Extended Lovemaking & Deep Intimacy: Slowing Down for Connection
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In This Episode
In this episode Rahi is joined by his partner Ariel Szabo. Both are Certified Somatic Sex Educators and Sexological Bodyworkers, and together they guide couples through Divine Union For Lovers. The conversation grew out of a simple graph they shared comparing goal-oriented sex with meditative lovemaking, which drew so many questions that they recorded their answers together.
Extended lovemaking, as Rahi and Ariel describe it, means moving through low, medium and high arousal over long stretches of time while staying present with sensation, emotion and desire, without performing or racing toward orgasm. They walk through their Eight Pillars of Intimacy, beginning with slowing down, pausing and noticing, and explain why communication comes last, once each partner is attuned to themselves. Listeners learn how edging builds on those skills, why a quick orgasm can sometimes be a way to avoid vulnerability, and how one-way touch, genital mapping and non-penetrative intimacy help couples discover what they truly want. The pair also explores how slower, softer touch can awaken sensitivity, how triggers can be met as allies, and how deep intimacy and tantric sex practices can carry receptivity and connection into everyday life.
Today’s Guest:
Ariel is a cosmic midwife of the soul. She holds and guides you over thresholds as you birth new ways of being in yourself and the world. She works at the intersections of sensual somatics, womb-work, sacred sexuality and plant medicine to de-armor physical, emotional, and energetic spaces within yourself so you can live a life in love.
Formally tranined as a sexological bodyworker, somatic sex educator, and psychedelic therapist, Ariel weaves together spiritual and western teachings. She draws upon her deep well of experiences in the plant medicine world with indigenous teachers and western knowledge on working with the nervous system and trauma.
Ariel brings a mastery in the art of relational intimacy and loves supporting individuals and couples in cultivating the skills and capacities necessary for experiencing ecstatic connection. She values pleasure and expanded states of consciousness as potent medicine with transformative potential.
Ariel currently offers 1:1 & couples sessions, as well as retreats, workshops, & ceremonies in Santa Monica, California and facilitates plant medicine retreats in Peru.
What You’ll Learn About Extended Lovemaking & Intimacy
How Extended Lovemaking invites a focus on pleasure and tending to everything that arises – including and especially being present to the moment-by-moment sensations, emotions, and desires, rather than being goal or performance-oriented.
How ELM necessitates a container of safety and trust in order to surrender to and ride erotic states that touche into our inner aspects and younger selves, as well as metabolizing past wounds within the support of deep connection, relaxation, and expansion.
How “The 8 Pillars of Intimacy” are at the heart of relating intimately with self, in order to move deeply into a container of relating with each other.
How examining our psychological attachments to orgasm is necessary in order to edge for extended periods of time, and travel the infinite waves of pleasure peaks without needing to go over the edge.
How ELM invites and necessitates a depth of self-awareness regarding the conditioned physiological/psychological train tracks the body’s unconscious response often has from arousal to orgasm, and for some, how orgasm can become a way to avoid prolonged authentic intimacy.
How the more we understand our partner’s nervous system patterns, the more of an ally we can be in our lovemaking by not take triggers personally, and how staying present and bringing pleasure in those triggered moments, can re-write past patterns and stories in the body.
How ELM invites discoveries of how to make love that is not genitally-focussed leading to a re-writing of what sex even is and can be.
How in slowing down, the body can become more sensitive, tuning into the greater subtle energies which is counter to what we’ve been taught about going fast and hard, and can lead to a deepening desire for more sexual communion within a constant state of turn-on.
How following waves of pleasure with stillness and meditation, allows the moments and portals of pleasure to elongate, expanding states of arousal into altered states of consciousness – where boundaries between lovers and existence itself begin to evolve into feelings of oneness, wholeness, and completeness.
Go Deeper: Related Articles
Common Questions About This Episode
What is extended lovemaking?
Rahi and Ariel describe extended lovemaking as making love over long periods, moving through low, medium and high arousal while staying present with each moment’s sensation, emotion and desire. The focus shifts from reaching orgasm to connection and pleasure. Ariel shares that sessions can last an hour, several hours, or continue across days.
Does extended lovemaking mean never having an orgasm?
No. Rahi and Ariel are clear that orgasm is not bad. Their concern is the conditioned pattern where arousal always races toward climax, and the way a quick orgasm can sometimes help people avoid vulnerability. Not orgasming every time can leave a lingering, warm arousal that many couples enjoy throughout the day.
What are the Eight Pillars of Intimacy?
The pillars Rahi and Ariel teach are slowing down, pausing, noticing, attuning to yourself, accepting, trusting the body’s wisdom, valuing it, and then communicating needs and adjustments. The first seven are inner skills. Communication comes last, once each partner has built enough intimacy with themselves to know what they want.
How can couples slow down and deepen intimacy in the bedroom?
Rahi and Ariel suggest starting with one-way touch, where one partner receives and simply notices, then gradually moving back into mutual exchange. Genital mapping, softer and slower touch, and non-penetrative forms of intimacy can all help. They also encourage partners to understand each other’s nervous systems so triggers can be met with care.
Go Deeper Into This Work
If you’re ready to transform the way you meet your beloved in intimacy, Divine Union For Lovers brings this work into your relationship as a shared practice.
Relational practices and erotic skill-building to deepen connection, trust, and pleasure.
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About This Podcast & Your Host
We explore the restoration of pleasure, the reclamation of sexual sovereignty, and the realization of our organic sexual wholeness. We engage with leading somatic therapists, sexologists & sexological bodyworkers, and holistic practitioners worldwide who provide practical wisdom from hands-on experiences of working with clients and their embodied sexuality. We invite a deep listening to the organic nature of the body, its sexual essence, and the bounty of wisdom embodied in its life force.
Rahi Chun
Certified Somatic Sex Educator & Sexological Bodyworker
Rahi is fascinated by the intersection of sexuality, psychology, spirituality and their authentic embodiment. Based in Los Angeles, he is an avid traveler and loves exploring cultures, practices of embodiment, and healing modalities around the world.
